Eat. Sleep. Wheeze. Repeat

Life gets in the way  Doesn't it just? So I haven't blogged for a while, mainly because summer has been a whirlwind, so I've either been busy or unable to coherently write a sentence due to being a bit zombie like.  So I had my mepolizumab, I can't recall exactly where I left with it on here but it was delayed by a week so I had my first one on the 20th July (so remembered as it's the girls birthday which meant she was very resentful of me and my thunder stealing 😆 )  By the end of that day I felt, I don't know just a bit of a mess. Then the day after I felt fairly fluey, however the day after that was the kids show with their stageschool which requires me to run back and forth a fair bit. Man alive did I feel like a piece of poop. And I really didn't think I would feel that bad so it blindsided me a bit. I sat in my car after dropping them off one of the times and just cried. It sounds dramatic but I didn't feel like I even had the energy to t

It may have been apparent to some/all that attempt to read this that i have no idea how to use this gosh darn site. and sometimes I post from my phone sometimes from my laptop (never the ap because it randomly closes on me). Anyway I just realised the colour theme I chose you couldnt always read my posts rather destroys the point of a blog :-D hopefully its fixed now! xx

I've probably said most of this before, but I just wanted to share what I wrote on an asthma forum today :-)  I saw my asthma psychiatrist yesterday. I completely love her (not in the crazy creepy patient falls in love with their dr kind of way just in that she's so lovely and good at her job) .  When I first started going to the respiratory dept at queen Alexandra in Portsmouth and they said I had to see her as a holistic approach to managing my asthma (Now i suspect they actually thought She would establish I wasn't taking my medication but tests and showing of side effects proved I was I just metabolise medication very quickly. Shame I can't metabolise fat in such a way hey) I was like "that will be one apt no way am I the type to sit and spill out my problems plus it's not bad enough that I need help"  How wrong I was. I had high levels of anxiety and I was genuinely grieving the loss of my job and life as I knew it. I worried constantly about

I start mepolizumab on July 13th. I'm kinda excited, kinda nervous. I really hope this is the first step to getting some of my life back. Or at least to getting the devil that is steroids. I've got a bit over excited and started job hunting to see what's about. Probably a bit premature but I am hopefully that by new year it will be happening or close to happening. Even if it's just starts at a few hours a week and builds up. I don't care. I just need to be reliable and prove I am reliable. Anyway like I said that's getting a head of myself. I'm just grateful I get a chance to try

I hope everyone used their chance to vote. Today's was a tricky one for me. I realised how vulnerable I feel.  I rely on the NHS and I rely on it being free. I receive ESA currently whilst I'm not allowed to work. I rely on student loans to fund me studying for when I am allowed back to work. My children are both in the education system. Yup I am a giant drain on the system (not intentionally I promise) The thought of having to pay for my medical treatment, whilst I see why that might be seen as a good solution to some of the countries problems, leaves my blood run cold. It doesn't take a genius to figure out I'm not exactly rolling in it right now. Will it be that I genuinely might not be able to afford to keep myself alive? Or I will but my husband and I will be in even more debt than we are now. Will our children have to miss out more than they already do so mum can breathe? I've had to avoid picking up my prescriptions for a couple of days before because I

So much has happened since my last update.  I had been getting progressively worse breathing wise so on the 11th of may I went to my gps , I knew what they were going to say but you never know I might have been lucky. He didn't even check me over he just rung my local hospital and sent me straight there, however the plus side to this was avoiding a&e and going straight to AAU.  After the general poking and prodding they whisked me into a bay whacked in a cannula and bleeped the respiratory team who came down actually quite fast, and it was decided I was metabolising my tablet medication to quickly so it was ineffective.  I was told only to walk to the toilet no where else (like I had the energy) and I was started on iv steroids and Iv aminophyline. Iv aminophyline is a 24 hour drip so I knew I was in for a couple of days.  I was to tired to be that bothered to be completely honest. I always get sad as i hate leaving the munchkins but I knew I needed to be there.  Then mi

As the title of this blog suggests; May is mental health awareness month. To be honest you'd have to be blind not to notice. It's everywhere, which is brilliant, for way to long now it's been something that isn't understood and as happens so often when we don't understand things, it's made fun of, not seen as 'real' or brushed under the carpet. So I have to see a psychologist at the moment, she's part of the Portsmouth resp team. Genuinely, and I am ashamed to admit this, when I first got the apt through for it I was like "what the hell! I'm not crazy". I went to that appointment doubtful she would get much out of me worth working with. I had just seen the dietician before that apt and my daughter was playing "how long can I act like a spoilt entitled brat before mum loses her crap". So I was less in the mood to be analysed for no reason than I can even describe. I'm fairly British sometimes and not ever to comfortable

I'm often asked 'how does it feel to have an asthma attack?'And it's a question I struggle to answer because It can differ greatly. I've had attacks where I feel like my chest is in a vice and it's really feels like my lungs might burst.and the muscles in my chest hurt so bad I want to cry with every breath.  However my chest is silent there is no wheeze. I think these are the scariest ones not only because it really hurts but because if people (including Drs) can't hear the wheeze they can underestimate how badly you are struggling or even claim it's an anxiety attack.. Even I sometimes have thought oh I'm not wheezing maybe it's ok. However I feel bad really quickly with that type and now I'm quite well known in a&e and they know to do a blood gas (where they put a needle down into the artery in the wrist. It feels pretty gross)  to check my co2 levels because sometimes my o2 levels can look ok on the machine and mislead the Drs, but a

First day of summer term got me like 😞 (the only emoticon i know how to put in there) Firstly because during the Easter holidays First day: boy comes down with Scarlett Fever. we did have a lovely Easter weekend in Wales. My chest felt not to bad (always improves in Wales)  Came home Easter Sunday to go to Chessington on Monday. Daughter pukes and is ill all day Monday. I start to feel rough, by Friday have full blown chest infection, and then all day Sunday the boy pukes and pukes. So most of the holidays sucked, and the boy is home with me today when he had set himself a 100% attendance target for this term so is very sad (though thankfully no longer puking after puking for 18 hours pretty much non stop). and his sister is cross that i have to cancel his 2nd dental apt in a row. (they definitely don't believe me) yet she still has to go. Gave her guilt money for a bacon roll from breakfast club though so she didn't to do to bad out of it. Secondly I loved summer term whe

Do you ever have days where you think "omg if you weren't my kid I would think you are such a jerk and try to avoid speaking to you?" Hopefully I'm not a complete bitchfacefromhell because that's how a child who shall remain nameless made me feel today. Kid doesn't get I'm on a heck of a a lot of steroids you push me I will either completely ignore you or blow up at you. I usually avoid shouting as much as I can but you can't be perfect all the time. It's days like this that can lead me into a downward spiral in my head, always leading to me blaming myself for why they have been the way they are. I'm probably not perfectly innocent but my negative thought spirals don't really get me anywhere so I'm venting in a post. Parenting babies was so easy compared to parenting kids as they get older. For a start you know they will remember everything. I guess as a parent you never really know if you are doing it right until it's too late.

I think one of my most commonly used phrases is " I shouldn't moan because people have it worse" I'm not saying it to be a hero I genuinely do feel bad because it could be worse. I like to count my blessings and I like to be positive. But I was thinking today maybe I'm a bit to liberal with those words. Whilst no one likes to be all doom and gloom by saying that do I make someone else feel like their problems don't matter? Everyone has problems and actually sometimes you can feel bad. Whether it be you hate your work or you can't lose weight or your csr failed it's mot. And you know what? Be sad or pissed off or stressed out if you want to. By no means let it rule your life but spend that time feeling sad then work out how you want to change it.  I feel sad today. I don't even know why probably steroid mood swings but I do. I feel blue and moody and a bit like "what's the point". It's Mother's Day and I have an incredible fa

So today someone used the word choose. Simple word. usually I see it as a positive word. Being able to choose is what makes life so wonderful.However the word was used in relation to me going to work."should Callie choose to go back to work." Perfectly simple sentence well meaning even, but it absolutely floored me. This is not a choice. I did not choose to give up a career I loved. I did not choose to have to stay home watching bad TV and reading uni books. I did not choose to have to spend days on end staying in my house because I cant walk outside or because of the temperature.It feels terrible. No matter how much you hate your job nothing compares to the feeling of being pointless. I wish to point out I was told not to work by occupational health, my GP and my two consultants. i have also been assessed by the DWP and they have agreed. My work were extremely good when this all started we tried all manner of things so I could get back in the classroom. There are a few re

Man oh man has it ever. I felt crappy most of the week and the weekend wasn't much better. Monday came and so I thought "right Im going to weigh in and my apts and see how I go" Along to weigh in I wheezed. Lost half a stone in 2 weeks. Yay. Drove to portsmouth. Luckily lee decided to come with (even though I could definitely drive and could see no point in him coming.) Had my apt then got asked if I wanted someone to listen to my chest. Sure I agreed. Long story short I had pnuemonia. Luckily not bad enough to be admitted. However I was warned I was on dodgy ground. So antibiotics all the steroids rest and permission to feel sorry for myself. I also got told off for driving and told Lee definitely needs to drive me home. I rested and rested (genuinely rested not the kind where I say I will but still try and do things) but by the weekend I was still feeling like poop. So I had to miss my sister in law to be's hen do in Brighton :-( they all had a great time and

Today I was going to take the kids and my niece to Shrek world (or land whatever the name is) in London. Instead I am in bed. This happens a lot but it doesn't make it any easier. I am lucky I have very understanding family and friends. (or ones that keep their annoyance quiet) My kids are very good about putting it off to another day, however I constantly worry they will grow up resenting me. Plus every time I have to cancel or let them go without me is another memory I am missing out on. I'm a big believer in experiencing whatever you can whenever you can, I often like to try and give memories instead of gifts (so like take them somewhere or do something unusual) so you can imagine how I hate this. Its been a non starter of a week anyway. I missed my weigh in on Monday and my brothers birthday and looking after my nephew because the boy came down with a pretty violent sick bug. miraculously none of us caught it from him but it was pretty gross. I had a dodgy chest all week

So the snow mentioned in the previous post did not amount to much more that making the ground feel as though you were walking through a slush puppy. which meant no snow days for the kids, they were most put out. However my chest has been having a fit ever since. Hurting, Crackling and wheezing and it's barely being helped by the nebs.So I went to the Dr to get some antibiotics as that is literally all the GP can do these days I need anymore I have to be admitted to hospital. I don't know how many of you reading have stayed on a resp ward but they are the most unfun of places. Actually hospital wards in general are pretty unhappy places to be. Nothing against the NHS they do a cracking job, but they are difficult to sleep in due to other sick people needing attention in the night (which no one can help) plus many nurses/HCA's  need to wake you at 6am to get through their to do list and if you've only been asleep a couple of hours it can make you literally cry. My heart

So today it SNOWED! I flipping love snow and it hasn't snowed properly for a couple of years here. However in the general excitement I forgot to factor in just how much my lungs HATE temperature change. So they were pretty mad A) the temp dropped in general and B) I dared to get out my fairly warm car into the icy air. Cue tight chest, loud wheeze and feeling generally ratty in the 10 steps it takes to get to my front door from the car. Going in to the warm house out of the cold air was also apparently not good enough for the divas as they got louder in protest. so I left my lucky husband in charge of the evening routine for the crazy excited children (who were already planning how to spend the snow day they seem to think they will be getting.) Came upstairs for a neb. and watching dinner date (with the subtitles on as I cant actually hear it over the machine) I hate doing this. It seems quite idealistic leaving the husband to make dinner and sit in my room on my neb. But actuall

 forgot to put the photos in my last  post didnt I? They aren't my best artisitic photos but; me on an nebuliser.                                                                                       Example of my inhalers and Nebules.

If I had a pound for every time I was asked this, well, I'd have a lot of pounds. Asthma is a illness that varies greatly. Some people get flare ups when exposed to a specific allergen (common ones being dust, pollen, nuts and so on), some people get flare ups when dealing with viruses such as colds, flu etc (if you are offered a flu jab get it believe me), some when they exercise. A lot of people see their GP and their local asthma nurse and it may take sometime but they find a combination of drugs that that works for them. This is a broad subject and there are lots of other varying degrees of asthma and treatments I could talk to you about all day. However I think we would all be a little info overload. Mine gets quite complex. Its understandable why people don't get it, but it can also be a little crushing that people think you're making a big thing about nothing. Hopefully reading this can help people understand just a little so if they know someone in this kind of

So, I have considered starting a blog for ages, not that I consider myself overly interesting or that I have an important message to get out there but I like writing and thought hey, why not. If you are reading this and don't know me then I will find the about me part that I am sure in on here but it took me like an hour to set up this far. So briefly, I'm Callie. thirtyandabit, Mum, wife, open uni English Lit student and severe/brittle asthmatic. (yes the Wheeze part of the title kind of makes sense now) I imagine the blog will mainly be about my experiences of the above but I like to try and bake cakes and stuff so sometimes it might include the odd success or disaster story. My children are 11 and 8, I was 19 when I became a mum. Way earlier than planned. This has had its fair share of challenges especially as i have never really looked my age however mainly now it just allows me to embarrass my daughter because her friends, friends parents and teachers all think I am a)