May is mental health awareness month

As the title of this blog suggests; May is mental health awareness month. To be honest you'd have to be blind not to notice. It's everywhere, which is brilliant, for way to long now it's been something that isn't understood and as happens so often when we don't understand things, it's made fun of, not seen as 'real' or brushed under the carpet.

So I have to see a psychologist at the moment, she's part of the Portsmouth resp team. Genuinely, and I am ashamed to admit this, when I first got the apt through for it I was like "what the hell! I'm not crazy". I went to that appointment doubtful she would get much out of me worth working with. I had just seen the dietician before that apt and my daughter was playing "how long can I act like a spoilt entitled brat before mum loses her crap". So I was less in the mood to be analysed for no reason than I can even describe. I'm fairly British sometimes and not ever to comfortable discussing proper deep feelings. 

However walking into that room painted in a rather obvious "relaxing blue" and she had the biggest most open smile. By the end of that session I understood so much about myself. Helping me see that although my steroids heighten some issues I have actually probably had a form of anxiety for years.

 For instance if someone sat next to me on public transport I would panic the whole journey about asking them to let me past when I get to my stop. In fact many a time in my life I've got of a couple of stops late and walked the extra miles to try avoid the situation. Answering the phone or the door are other things I still genuinely panic about. Even if I know who it's going to be. Same for it I am going to a friends house and I need to knock on their door, no matter how often I've done it and they are expecting me. Yet I have absolutely 0 problems standing in front of people and speaking. I've stood in front of 27 teenagers and taught them English lessons. Not a problem. 

It seems weird because in general I like to be quite laid back but my brain chooses a few things to obcess over, and that will be it. Took me 2 years and 5 tests to be able to drive and it was 6 months learning how to drive and 18 months of my poor driving instructor trying to help me not to panic. The amount of times we had to pull over because I was hyperventilating. (Paying £27 an hour and half of that is spent sitting at the side of the road crying and shaking is not the most productive way to spending money) and the poor examiners if I ever go past the test centre even now I get palpitations. Like I have some kind of post traumatic stress. I also panic when I handle/cook meat, go to a barbecue, or a food place I can't see the hygiene rating displayed especially if we are there with my children. Food poisoning is terrifying to me.  And if I'm in hospital it can take me hours to get the courage to ask a nurse/HCA/doctor for something or about something. Even if it's simple as where is the toilet for this ward m, or if I'm in pain/ feeling worse. It's terrible to think I will do that to myself but at the time it seems reasonable. 

My psychologist says I'm like a duck calm on top but underneath frantic.. 

So anyway I guess the steroids heighten this anxiety to the point I cannot hide it so well. She said it's genuine and my reasons are completely viable but it doesn't make it any easier to admit to. My poor husband says my worst one is how much I fret if someone else is ill. I kind of jump between panicking they will end up seriously ill and if it's contagious or not.i will ask him a million questions if he feels under the weather or the kids are or he knows someone else who is. If his answer isn't in enough detail I will just keep asking even when I can feel him getting vexed. It's like a little monster in my head and he is speaking instead of me. 

There are several tricks I am learning to deal with this. Firstly with the illness thing I have to not think it's my fault because I didn't worry about it happening. Or that because I have health issues others will also get them. There's one thing she said that has stuck in my head "no offence but you aren't that powerful, these things are not dependent on you." It switched on a light bulb in my head and I was like oh yeah. So now if I feel myself going down this road I say this sentence to myself over and over, almost meditating I guess. It doesn't go away completely but I am better at controlling it. 

Another way is mindfulness when I feel myself panicking I will take in my surroundings and say right what can I see? What can I hear? Feel? Smell? Taste? And soon as my mind tries to wonder I force myself to only think about these things. 

But the biggest help is faving the fears, driving in areas I don't know to get me over the fear of the unknown, trying to get a servers attention instead of asking someone else to do it. Answering my phone or door even if I don't know who it will be. Starting a conversation with someone I don't know very well. 

It's highly unlikely any of these situations (well maybe food poisoning but as a vegetarian I'm probably safer than most) will kill me and writing this I'm like "you're such a weirdo" but at the time if feels huge and intimidating. I'm slowly coming to terms with it. I'm not a freak, I
don't think anyone else is a freak if they have it. So why would I think that about myself? 

My point here is don't be afraid to admit you are struggling. This is probably the most detail I have given about this to anyone other than the psychologist, and it feels kind of great to do so. If i hadn't been made to see someone as part of my asthma treatment I'd probably not realised this is actually a thing. My psychologist and I are still working through somethings and while right now I'm not ready to discuss them with anyone even my husband or best friend. I hope someday I might be able to explain it to someone.
 Don't judge yourself or anyone else when it comes to mental health. The sooner we all take the time to understand one another instead of judging, the sooner people will understand and help themselves. Mental health is as valid and important as physical health. If you're struggling there's no shame in that . If your arm stopped functioning as it should you'd see a dr. So why not the organ that controls your whole body?

Take care of each other

Callie x