Mad May/little bit of June

Today I want to write something about weight. Specifically how I’ve dealt with it being a young(ish) woman/mum/ on high doses of steroids. I’ve often spoken about it throughout my blogs of blabbering away on here but over the last few months I’ve had a bit of a roller coaster. (In my head, not literally). 

One of the most commonly known side effects of steroids is weight gain. Probably because it’s actually one of the side effects that the most people suffer with and one of the most obvious when you look at someone (aside from that beautiful moon face). But it’s probably a little to do with our, by our I just mean societies, obsession with weight and looks and all that. 

I don’t mean that harshly but, as a 33 year old female, I don’t think there’s been a day  since I was about 10 that I haven’t worried about my figure/weight/looks. Not just because I’m over weight. When I was slim it was because I didn’t want to not be slim anymore, in fact I was probably more stressed about it when I was size 10. I am almost certain I am not alone in being this way. 

We are constantly bombarded with shakes and diet plans on social media. If you follow any kind of reality star or influencer they are always promoting brands to us and there’s slimming world, keto, paelo and weight watchers accounts every where on the gram. There is also various MLM’s broadcast into us by our peers promising us weightless instantly. 

 My point is further proven when a company does use a ‘plus size’ or ‘normal’ model to advertise its products we all have to talk about it. Comments on their posts will increase tenfold. Sometimes I think there are those who actually do it just for marketing opportunities and not because they want to make all women feel proud or normal about their figures, as they know it will be talked about. I don’t mean to sound cynical and I hope I’m wrong but it’s still not just the expected to see models of all sizes. Which is sad really. I feel like we should be at the point where its not controversial to use all shapes all heights to promote all types of products. 

It’s not just women let’s be honest now. The pressure on men to have a six pack, pec’s and ‘gun’s’ is unreal. I am yet to see people say that there should be more ‘normal men’ promoting brands. (Doesn’t mean they aren’t there but I haven’t seen them). Male influencers also promote shreds and weight loss products, or even weight building products for gains at the gym. (Does it show I actually have no idea of the correct terminology?) 

I feel most sorry for children. I think I the pressure is more present than any of us have ever had to deal with.  When I think of my 14 year old girl and 11 year old son. He already is quite obsessive about a 6 pack and I have to have my scales in the living room so my daughter is less likely to obsessively weigh herself.
 We are literally obsessed as a nation. 

Now I don’t want to knock anyone of any size. Some people are naturally slim, some work damn hard and deserve their killer abs. Absolutely nothing wrong with it if it makes you happy. The issue I have is the pressure for those who it doesn’t make happy or who can’t do it . I am all for being physically healthy, but if that comes at the cost of being mentally healthy then I feel its not really healthy. If getting up at 5am to go to boot camp and never enjoying food because you’re mentally calculating every mouthful, is it worth it?  You probably won’t be any happier if you go completely the other way and are super unhealthy physically. There must be a compromise in there somewhere for you so both parts of you can be healthy. 

I genuinely spend a lot of my life avoiding full length mirrors and photos. I dread any event because of the photos I will be tagged in. I will absolutely put my hands up and say it is ridiculous but I genuinely get stressed in any place with a mirror these days. Even as far as avoiding getting my hair cut. Its not easy to admit to this but I feel like a failure. Looking in the mirror or at photo just makes my stomach drop and impacts that “I’m failing” feeling. 

About 2 years ago I lost 4 stone following a well known ‘life style change’ company. And I’m not going to lie I felt better about myself in some ways. But I was never happy. I always stressed out if I couldn’t find the right “free food” eating out and if I had a bad day or gained one week I got upset. Plus I still struggled to wear skinny jeans (something I’ve always struggled with) because my waist is about a size bigger than my butt and legs so they either look stupid and baggy or I have a gross muffin top. So I still had very few clothes I felt truly comfortable with which really depressed me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough despite losing weight while on steroids and being quite restricted in what I do physically. I should have been so proud of myself! Instead I walked around feeling like I looked like cartmen. I put a few photos on Facebook and spoke about it a coupe of times to try and help me see how far I’d come. and got a lot of positive comments. Still felt so awful about myself. Didn’t help at all. I just felt guilty that I might have made others feel bad about themselves. 
After a few months my stomach then started playing up (pred again) and I struggled to stick to plan as somedays I have to eat a very restricted diet. I felt awful about myself. Truly awful. I gained some of the weight back. So it felt like all the effort (and it is so much effort) was just a waste of time. 

Then one day I was watching an advert about a crisis causing children in some countries to starve to death. I saw this poor little baby who was no more than skin over bones and I just felt awful. Here I am paying £5 a week for someone to weigh me and tell me not to eat rubbish. When that child’s mother would do anything to be able to have that £5 to feed her family with. It just sat very uncomfortably with me. We have so much food I have to be taught to restrict myself in some of it. That poor innocent boy was barely alive. it seemed so unfair. 

I’m not knocking these weight loss companies, they appear to bring so many people happiness and help them to become healthy and confident in themselves.  But for me now I’ve thought of it like that, I just can’t pay someone to tell me how to eat when there is a mother somewhere watching her child die of starvation. I increased my monthly donation to save the children, it’s like a drop in the ocean compared to what they need, but for me it’s a way better use of my money. I honestly don’t know if I could pay a company like that again. Never say never but right now, I don’t think I can. 

Despite this little realisation of mine often I am still kicking myself for being big. Most of my friends and family have great figures. (And genuinely are gorgeous and kind ppl) so I feel like a Pygmy hippo next to them. 

But over the last couple of days something in me snapped and I realised, OF COURSE I’m bigger than most. First there’s the genetics which makes us all different shapes, metabolisms and fat distribution blah blah blah. 

Secondly we all currently have different life styles. Most go out to work and run about, they can go to the gym or to work out classes or whatever their hobbies are. Where as I have to spend a lot of time not moving if my chest is bad. I sit and write and read for hours for uni or whatever . I get a lot of infections which tend to make me even less mobile. 

I do keep a count of my calories and limit the carbs (Which I am quite proud of achieving because I fecking love carbs.)I’d say 8 days out of 10 days I achieve these things but when I’m stuck indoors all day and feeling crappy, cancelling on people left right and centre, you better believe I am eating some white chocolate if I want some some. 

Thirdly there’s the steroids: I have to take them to be alive. I’m lucky I have them or I’d be dead. It really is that simple. So I am bigger than my friends and family. At least I’m here and able to be with them. And this is the bit I need to focus on. Many a time I’ve been asked if being over weight is the reason my asthma is bad? Well no. It’s actually the reason I’m over weight. Would it be easier if I was smaller? Maybe, but I’ve been assured (by my consultant when I confided some of my fears about my weight definitely more than once) that it won’t make a significant difference. Not taking pred will probably kill me. 

When I think about it I realise I’ve had successes: I am able to manage the gnawing steroid hunger that comes from them quite well now, it gets tiresome trying to work our real hunger and the steroid hunger but it’s what it is. I have stopped putting any food I like in sandwiches (super noodles, pasta, chips yes I’m a dirt bag and yes I miss it). I try to only eat cheese a couple of days a week.  I’m vegetarian and don’t eat nuts so I’ve found new creative ways to include more protein in my meals which to be honest I never really bothered with before. What I’m saying is, I’m not eating cake for breakfast (man I wish I was) and takeaways for dinner with 7 bags of crisps in between then a pint of ice cream (again wish I was Ben and Jerry’s specifically). Like anyone I’m doing the best I can 

But more importantly I’m not failing. You’re not failing if you wobble in places or if your thighs rub together when you walk. Nor are you if you struggle to put on weight. You are also not failing if you have a great figure  that everyone envy's but you are struggling with things mentally. I could go on and on. But you are not failing. No one is. I promise there is something in life you are absolutely winning at.  And you can work on the rest. Everyone is fighting a battle: some you can see, some you can’t. We need to learn to be a bit more kind to one another and especially to be kind to ourselves.