Eat. Sleep. Wheeze. Repeat

As the title of this blog suggests; May is mental health awareness month. To be honest you'd have to be blind not to notice. It's everywhere, which is brilliant, for way to long now it's been something that isn't understood and as happens so often when we don't understand things, it's made fun of, not seen as 'real' or brushed under the carpet. So I have to see a psychologist at the moment, she's part of the Portsmouth resp team. Genuinely, and I am ashamed to admit this, when I first got the apt through for it I was like "what the hell! I'm not crazy". I went to that appointment doubtful she would get much out of me worth working with. I had just seen the dietician before that apt and my daughter was playing "how long can I act like a spoilt entitled brat before mum loses her crap". So I was less in the mood to be analysed for no reason than I can even describe. I'm fairly British sometimes and not ever to comfortable...

I'm often asked 'how does it feel to have an asthma attack?'And it's a question I struggle to answer because It can differ greatly. I've had attacks where I feel like my chest is in a vice and it's really feels like my lungs might burst.and the muscles in my chest hurt so bad I want to cry with every breath.  However my chest is silent there is no wheeze. I think these are the scariest ones not only because it really hurts but because if people (including Drs) can't hear the wheeze they can underestimate how badly you are struggling or even claim it's an anxiety attack.. Even I sometimes have thought oh I'm not wheezing maybe it's ok. However I feel bad really quickly with that type and now I'm quite well known in a&e and they know to do a blood gas (where they put a needle down into the artery in the wrist. It feels pretty gross)  to check my co2 levels because sometimes my o2 levels can look ok on the machine and mislead the Drs, but a...

First day of summer term got me like 😞 (the only emoticon i know how to put in there) Firstly because during the Easter holidays First day: boy comes down with Scarlett Fever. we did have a lovely Easter weekend in Wales. My chest felt not to bad (always improves in Wales)  Came home Easter Sunday to go to Chessington on Monday. Daughter pukes and is ill all day Monday. I start to feel rough, by Friday have full blown chest infection, and then all day Sunday the boy pukes and pukes. So most of the holidays sucked, and the boy is home with me today when he had set himself a 100% attendance target for this term so is very sad (though thankfully no longer puking after puking for 18 hours pretty much non stop). and his sister is cross that i have to cancel his 2nd dental apt in a row. (they definitely don't believe me) yet she still has to go. Gave her guilt money for a bacon roll from breakfast club though so she didn't to do to bad out of it. Secondly I loved summer term whe...

Do you ever have days where you think "omg if you weren't my kid I would think you are such a jerk and try to avoid speaking to you?" Hopefully I'm not a complete bitchfacefromhell because that's how a child who shall remain nameless made me feel today. Kid doesn't get I'm on a heck of a a lot of steroids you push me I will either completely ignore you or blow up at you. I usually avoid shouting as much as I can but you can't be perfect all the time. It's days like this that can lead me into a downward spiral in my head, always leading to me blaming myself for why they have been the way they are. I'm probably not perfectly innocent but my negative thought spirals don't really get me anywhere so I'm venting in a post. Parenting babies was so easy compared to parenting kids as they get older. For a start you know they will remember everything. I guess as a parent you never really know if you are doing it right until it's too late. ...

I think one of my most commonly used phrases is " I shouldn't moan because people have it worse" I'm not saying it to be a hero I genuinely do feel bad because it could be worse. I like to count my blessings and I like to be positive. But I was thinking today maybe I'm a bit to liberal with those words. Whilst no one likes to be all doom and gloom by saying that do I make someone else feel like their problems don't matter? Everyone has problems and actually sometimes you can feel bad. Whether it be you hate your work or you can't lose weight or your csr failed it's mot. And you know what? Be sad or pissed off or stressed out if you want to. By no means let it rule your life but spend that time feeling sad then work out how you want to change it.  I feel sad today. I don't even know why probably steroid mood swings but I do. I feel blue and moody and a bit like "what's the point". It's Mother's Day and I have an incredible fa...

So today someone used the word choose. Simple word. usually I see it as a positive word. Being able to choose is what makes life so wonderful.However the word was used in relation to me going to work."should Callie choose to go back to work." Perfectly simple sentence well meaning even, but it absolutely floored me. This is not a choice. I did not choose to give up a career I loved. I did not choose to have to stay home watching bad TV and reading uni books. I did not choose to have to spend days on end staying in my house because I cant walk outside or because of the temperature.It feels terrible. No matter how much you hate your job nothing compares to the feeling of being pointless. I wish to point out I was told not to work by occupational health, my GP and my two consultants. i have also been assessed by the DWP and they have agreed. My work were extremely good when this all started we tried all manner of things so I could get back in the classroom. There are a few re...

Man oh man has it ever. I felt crappy most of the week and the weekend wasn't much better. Monday came and so I thought "right Im going to weigh in and my apts and see how I go" Along to weigh in I wheezed. Lost half a stone in 2 weeks. Yay. Drove to portsmouth. Luckily lee decided to come with (even though I could definitely drive and could see no point in him coming.) Had my apt then got asked if I wanted someone to listen to my chest. Sure I agreed. Long story short I had pnuemonia. Luckily not bad enough to be admitted. However I was warned I was on dodgy ground. So antibiotics all the steroids rest and permission to feel sorry for myself. I also got told off for driving and told Lee definitely needs to drive me home. I rested and rested (genuinely rested not the kind where I say I will but still try and do things) but by the weekend I was still feeling like poop. So I had to miss my sister in law to be's hen do in Brighton :-( they all had a great time and ...