Eat. Sleep. Wheeze. Repeat

Do you ever have days where you think "omg if you weren't my kid I would think you are such a jerk and try to avoid speaking to you?" Hopefully I'm not a complete bitchfacefromhell because that's how a child who shall remain nameless made me feel today. Kid doesn't get I'm on a heck of a a lot of steroids you push me I will either completely ignore you or blow up at you. I usually avoid shouting as much as I can but you can't be perfect all the time. It's days like this that can lead me into a downward spiral in my head, always leading to me blaming myself for why they have been the way they are. I'm probably not perfectly innocent but my negative thought spirals don't really get me anywhere so I'm venting in a post. Parenting babies was so easy compared to parenting kids as they get older. For a start you know they will remember everything. I guess as a parent you never really know if you are doing it right until it's too late. ...

I think one of my most commonly used phrases is " I shouldn't moan because people have it worse" I'm not saying it to be a hero I genuinely do feel bad because it could be worse. I like to count my blessings and I like to be positive. But I was thinking today maybe I'm a bit to liberal with those words. Whilst no one likes to be all doom and gloom by saying that do I make someone else feel like their problems don't matter? Everyone has problems and actually sometimes you can feel bad. Whether it be you hate your work or you can't lose weight or your csr failed it's mot. And you know what? Be sad or pissed off or stressed out if you want to. By no means let it rule your life but spend that time feeling sad then work out how you want to change it.  I feel sad today. I don't even know why probably steroid mood swings but I do. I feel blue and moody and a bit like "what's the point". It's Mother's Day and I have an incredible fa...

So today someone used the word choose. Simple word. usually I see it as a positive word. Being able to choose is what makes life so wonderful.However the word was used in relation to me going to work."should Callie choose to go back to work." Perfectly simple sentence well meaning even, but it absolutely floored me. This is not a choice. I did not choose to give up a career I loved. I did not choose to have to stay home watching bad TV and reading uni books. I did not choose to have to spend days on end staying in my house because I cant walk outside or because of the temperature.It feels terrible. No matter how much you hate your job nothing compares to the feeling of being pointless. I wish to point out I was told not to work by occupational health, my GP and my two consultants. i have also been assessed by the DWP and they have agreed. My work were extremely good when this all started we tried all manner of things so I could get back in the classroom. There are a few re...

Man oh man has it ever. I felt crappy most of the week and the weekend wasn't much better. Monday came and so I thought "right Im going to weigh in and my apts and see how I go" Along to weigh in I wheezed. Lost half a stone in 2 weeks. Yay. Drove to portsmouth. Luckily lee decided to come with (even though I could definitely drive and could see no point in him coming.) Had my apt then got asked if I wanted someone to listen to my chest. Sure I agreed. Long story short I had pnuemonia. Luckily not bad enough to be admitted. However I was warned I was on dodgy ground. So antibiotics all the steroids rest and permission to feel sorry for myself. I also got told off for driving and told Lee definitely needs to drive me home. I rested and rested (genuinely rested not the kind where I say I will but still try and do things) but by the weekend I was still feeling like poop. So I had to miss my sister in law to be's hen do in Brighton :-( they all had a great time and ...

Today I was going to take the kids and my niece to Shrek world (or land whatever the name is) in London. Instead I am in bed. This happens a lot but it doesn't make it any easier. I am lucky I have very understanding family and friends. (or ones that keep their annoyance quiet) My kids are very good about putting it off to another day, however I constantly worry they will grow up resenting me. Plus every time I have to cancel or let them go without me is another memory I am missing out on. I'm a big believer in experiencing whatever you can whenever you can, I often like to try and give memories instead of gifts (so like take them somewhere or do something unusual) so you can imagine how I hate this. Its been a non starter of a week anyway. I missed my weigh in on Monday and my brothers birthday and looking after my nephew because the boy came down with a pretty violent sick bug. miraculously none of us caught it from him but it was pretty gross. I had a dodgy chest all week ...

So the snow mentioned in the previous post did not amount to much more that making the ground feel as though you were walking through a slush puppy. which meant no snow days for the kids, they were most put out. However my chest has been having a fit ever since. Hurting, Crackling and wheezing and it's barely being helped by the nebs.So I went to the Dr to get some antibiotics as that is literally all the GP can do these days I need anymore I have to be admitted to hospital. I don't know how many of you reading have stayed on a resp ward but they are the most unfun of places. Actually hospital wards in general are pretty unhappy places to be. Nothing against the NHS they do a cracking job, but they are difficult to sleep in due to other sick people needing attention in the night (which no one can help) plus many nurses/HCA's  need to wake you at 6am to get through their to do list and if you've only been asleep a couple of hours it can make you literally cry. My heart...

So today it SNOWED! I flipping love snow and it hasn't snowed properly for a couple of years here. However in the general excitement I forgot to factor in just how much my lungs HATE temperature change. So they were pretty mad A) the temp dropped in general and B) I dared to get out my fairly warm car into the icy air. Cue tight chest, loud wheeze and feeling generally ratty in the 10 steps it takes to get to my front door from the car. Going in to the warm house out of the cold air was also apparently not good enough for the divas as they got louder in protest. so I left my lucky husband in charge of the evening routine for the crazy excited children (who were already planning how to spend the snow day they seem to think they will be getting.) Came upstairs for a neb. and watching dinner date (with the subtitles on as I cant actually hear it over the machine) I hate doing this. It seems quite idealistic leaving the husband to make dinner and sit in my room on my neb. But actuall...