Missing out on life
Today I was going to take the kids and my niece to Shrek world (or land whatever the name is) in London. Instead I am in bed. This happens a lot but it doesn't make it any easier. I am lucky I have very understanding family and friends. (or ones that keep their annoyance quiet)
My kids are very good about putting it off to another day, however I constantly worry they will grow up resenting me. Plus every time I have to cancel or let them go without me is another memory I am missing out on. I'm a big believer in experiencing whatever you can whenever you can, I often like to try and give memories instead of gifts (so like take them somewhere or do something unusual) so you can imagine how I hate this.
Its been a non starter of a week anyway. I missed my weigh in on Monday and my brothers birthday and looking after my nephew because the boy came down with a pretty violent sick bug. miraculously none of us caught it from him but it was pretty gross. I had a dodgy chest all week though and a lot of pain in my chest. By Thursday it was so painful I went to the dr desperate for them to give me some relief. I got a bit of a lecture from a dr I have never seen before. It was about how if I lost weight and was more active my asthma wouldn't be a problem like it is,
I don't mind telling you I left the surgery and cried in my car for about 15 minutes.
I know I'm over weight. The mirror, the scales and the photos don't lie. However I put on weight because I'm on a high dose of long term steroids. I'm not as active because I have been told not to exacerbate the inflammation in my chest. I used to be active I walked everywhere, I danced, I had 2 jobs that required me to dart here and there. It hurt to know people think that I'm lazy and fat and that's why I have asthma so bad.
I shouldn't care what other people think but I'm human I do. I hate having to pick the outfit that makes me look less fat instead of the funnest outfit and having to contour the crap out of my hamster cheeks. I detest not being able to play wii dance or join in when kids play football or basketball. I miss going for long walks with the dog and the kids. Heck I hate not always being able to run upstairs to grab something.
I do try, I am doing slimming world. If I feel ok I join in all I can and walk about hoping to keep my fitness as good as possible. I also have little exercises I do at home to try and tone or just keep mobile. I used to ignore it and walk/dance anyway until I couldnt breathe at all. But I got my wrist slapped for causing myself more problems. In the words of a consultant "its all fair and well being stubborn however there is only so much one can be stubborn you are if you are dead."
I don't blame the dr as such. I wish hed looked a bit harder at my medication and thought about what he was saying but at the end of the day he was advising me how he thought best. Tough love is sometimes necessary. it was just a bad time for me having not slept for 3 nights, being in pain and wheezy.I hope I have lost when I weigh in on Monday which after the week on not being able to move about etc I am worried about. however if I havent lost luckily I see my psychologist in the afternoon so she will hopefully help bring me back to earth.
I always think its crazy how much being over weight effects my mental state considering I am lucky to have the steroids so I don't, you know die or whatever. But it does.
If I was reading someone else saying this would I judge their vanity? maybe. Do I care if someone I love is overweight. No. I worry about peoples health sometimes. But their weight doesn't disgust me at all.
However I would look like this forever if it meant I could do all the things I planned when I planned them, go to work and spend time with the kids doing all the things we used to. But I don't. I take these vile pills and I still end up watching a lot of my families lives from the side lines. And it sucks. However I have to keep reminding myself that I am here to watch and thats the important thing.
My kids are very good about putting it off to another day, however I constantly worry they will grow up resenting me. Plus every time I have to cancel or let them go without me is another memory I am missing out on. I'm a big believer in experiencing whatever you can whenever you can, I often like to try and give memories instead of gifts (so like take them somewhere or do something unusual) so you can imagine how I hate this.
Its been a non starter of a week anyway. I missed my weigh in on Monday and my brothers birthday and looking after my nephew because the boy came down with a pretty violent sick bug. miraculously none of us caught it from him but it was pretty gross. I had a dodgy chest all week though and a lot of pain in my chest. By Thursday it was so painful I went to the dr desperate for them to give me some relief. I got a bit of a lecture from a dr I have never seen before. It was about how if I lost weight and was more active my asthma wouldn't be a problem like it is,
I don't mind telling you I left the surgery and cried in my car for about 15 minutes.
I know I'm over weight. The mirror, the scales and the photos don't lie. However I put on weight because I'm on a high dose of long term steroids. I'm not as active because I have been told not to exacerbate the inflammation in my chest. I used to be active I walked everywhere, I danced, I had 2 jobs that required me to dart here and there. It hurt to know people think that I'm lazy and fat and that's why I have asthma so bad.
I shouldn't care what other people think but I'm human I do. I hate having to pick the outfit that makes me look less fat instead of the funnest outfit and having to contour the crap out of my hamster cheeks. I detest not being able to play wii dance or join in when kids play football or basketball. I miss going for long walks with the dog and the kids. Heck I hate not always being able to run upstairs to grab something.
I do try, I am doing slimming world. If I feel ok I join in all I can and walk about hoping to keep my fitness as good as possible. I also have little exercises I do at home to try and tone or just keep mobile. I used to ignore it and walk/dance anyway until I couldnt breathe at all. But I got my wrist slapped for causing myself more problems. In the words of a consultant "its all fair and well being stubborn however there is only so much one can be stubborn you are if you are dead."
I don't blame the dr as such. I wish hed looked a bit harder at my medication and thought about what he was saying but at the end of the day he was advising me how he thought best. Tough love is sometimes necessary. it was just a bad time for me having not slept for 3 nights, being in pain and wheezy.I hope I have lost when I weigh in on Monday which after the week on not being able to move about etc I am worried about. however if I havent lost luckily I see my psychologist in the afternoon so she will hopefully help bring me back to earth.
I always think its crazy how much being over weight effects my mental state considering I am lucky to have the steroids so I don't, you know die or whatever. But it does.
If I was reading someone else saying this would I judge their vanity? maybe. Do I care if someone I love is overweight. No. I worry about peoples health sometimes. But their weight doesn't disgust me at all.
However I would look like this forever if it meant I could do all the things I planned when I planned them, go to work and spend time with the kids doing all the things we used to. But I don't. I take these vile pills and I still end up watching a lot of my families lives from the side lines. And it sucks. However I have to keep reminding myself that I am here to watch and thats the important thing.
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