Choice....

So today someone used the word choose. Simple word. usually I see it as a positive word. Being able to choose is what makes life so wonderful.However the word was used in relation to me going to work."should Callie choose to go back to work."
Perfectly simple sentence well meaning even, but it absolutely floored me. This is not a choice. I did not choose to give up a career I loved. I did not choose to have to stay home watching bad TV and reading uni books. I did not choose to have to spend days on end staying in my house because I cant walk outside or because of the temperature.It feels terrible. No matter how much you hate your job nothing compares to the feeling of being pointless.
I wish to point out I was told not to work by occupational health, my GP and my two consultants. i have also been assessed by the DWP and they have agreed. My work were extremely good when this all started we tried all manner of things so I could get back in the classroom.
There are a few reasons why I have been told not to work until Ive stabilised.

• Airway remodeling. This is where the airways in my lungs have been so inflamed etc they are now changing so me forcing myself to do more while they are inflamed is only going to make this worse. Once they have remodelled they wont go back.
• Unreliable. Obviously having asthma attacks or waking up some days and not being able to even walk to the bathroom without a rest let alone use the stairs or even speak means I am not all that reliable. Most employers like you to be there. They tend to resent paying you if you havent been there. 
• Germs. A simple cold can kill me, sucks but true. I do catch them. having kids its inevitable. But generally I can control their germs a bit better than i can a classroom of teenagers(who FYI never wash their hands). Even if I got another job its still a iffy thing. 
• Energy. Even on a good day my body has to work quite hard. Bone deep exhaustion, where youre so tired your bones hurt. its a regular sensation. 

There is more but I wont bore you all now. My point is sometimes simple words can hurt. I have to talk regularly with my psychologist about how not working has effected me.I hate meeting new people because often whats the first thing you get asked? "what do you do?" Also if i buy myself anything, I feel like an absolute ass and ashamed. I haven't earned it and feel like i dont deserve it. I havent had my eyebrows waxed for like a year and one of the reasons is genuinely I feel i dont deserve to spend that 8 pound on "pampering" (or torture if you have a savage waxer).


So like so many things this isn't about asthma. Its about someone in a crappy situation. They might feel sensitive about things you don't really think they should. Just be kind. put yourself in their shoes and think "what would I feel like?" I dont want sympathy, I just want to feel like a person.