Eat. Sleep. Wheeze. Repeat

I wanted to write a quick thing about the vote we are all going to have to once again do on December 12th! I am way more into politics as I get older.. maybe its my age? maybe its because ultimately I rely on politicians to eat and not die way more than before? Because my kids are closer and closer to being out in the world and I want them to be happy? I actually think its a mixture of all these reasons in addition to the fact that I should be in to them. I see it as like reality TV. Except we all have to live with the end result not just tweet our opinion and then see their faces everywhere for the next year promoting whatever. I actually have no real die hard opinion on who I should vote for. No offence to Boris, I don't know him he might be very interesting. But he comes across as kind of a turnip in a blue tie and so obsessed with Brexit he probably calls it out in his sleep (or when doing other stuff in bed). He seems a little naive and dangerous to have so much power. Like...

Today I want to write something about weight. Specifically how I’ve dealt with it being a young(ish) woman/mum/ on high doses of steroids. I’ve often spoken about it throughout my blogs of blabbering away on here but over the last few months I’ve had a bit of a roller coaster. (In my head, not literally).  One of the most commonly known side effects of steroids is weight gain. Probably because it’s actually one of the side effects that the most people suffer with and one of the most obvious when you look at someone (aside from that beautiful moon face). But it’s probably a little to do with our, by our I just mean societies, obsession with weight and looks and all that.  I don’t mean that harshly but, as a 33 year old female, I don’t think there’s been a day  since I was about 10 that I haven’t worried about my figure/weight/looks. Not just because I’m over weight. When I was slim it was because I didn’t want to not be slim anymore, in fact I was probably more stress...

Its been a while again, basically I thought I had somehow locked myself out and nothing I tried helped me find the account. Rather hilariously I suddenly realised I was using the wrong email address the whole time. (I know right?) Anyway I am currently waiting for my masters course to start so thought I would take the opportunity to update the blog (which i basically write for myself currently.  First of I got my degree. I now officially have a Upper Second Class Honours in Arts and Humanities- English Lit Pathway. My graduation ceremony is next month! Eeeek!! Since having my daughter at 19 I kind of wrote off me ever having a degree. Even though I had always wanted one. (weird I know, I just felt like it was what I was meant to do) Just goes to show never write yourself off. Even while I was doing the degree I didnt truly believe I'd actually do it! People knock the Open University but in all honesty I will always be grateful they gave me the opportunity to study. I studied ev...

So its been like maybe a year and a half since I wrote anything on here. (I should have just looked at the date of the last one before I started writing but wheres the fun in that)I don't really know why I stopped. Uni was pretty stressful, whenever I was writing I felt like it wasn't right unless I was writing for that.  Then over the summer the heatwave was not ,my friend and I had a chest infection that just kept coming back. Then I was back doing uni. However last week I handed my last EMA in!! Yay! So hopefully I pass both modules and I have finished my degree. Although I am already going crazy waiting to see if I passed. I wont find out until July 23rd so its going to be a fun few weeks.  So last year in no particular order (will just write them as I remember):  I got the best present in the world in the form of a Sausage dog called Sausage. He is an absolute nut job, but I love him so much. My sister got married in an incredible Harry Potter wedding. I was ver...

Its been a while since I blogged, there are a few reasons for this; Mepolizumab absolutely kicked my ass, I felt terrible when I was on it. I went backwards physically and mentally. It was stopped in December but uni has also been kicking my ass. This blog became a lot more about me being ill than I really intended. This is partly because my life largely revolves around it, partly because I kind of wanted to talk about it and partly because I think I got a bit carried away with it. I began to feel like one of those chronic illness bloggers that make their illness who they are. While its a massive part of my life, its not all I am. So I needed to step back and rethink where I intend to go with this.  Lastly because my last blog got like 10 views and this is just for me, no one really cares but me and I didn't want to blog.  So this is where I am. so lets update. Uni is hard. but I'm kind of just about getting there. Mother hood, Likewise. but more on that later. Healt...

Life gets in the way  Doesn't it just? So I haven't blogged for a while, mainly because summer has been a whirlwind, so I've either been busy or unable to coherently write a sentence due to being a bit zombie like.  So I had my mepolizumab, I can't recall exactly where I left with it on here but it was delayed by a week so I had my first one on the 20th July (so remembered as it's the girls birthday which meant she was very resentful of me and my thunder stealing 😆 )  By the end of that day I felt, I don't know just a bit of a mess. Then the day after I felt fairly fluey, however the day after that was the kids show with their stageschool which requires me to run back and forth a fair bit. Man alive did I feel like a piece of poop. And I really didn't think I would feel that bad so it blindsided me a bit. I sat in my car after dropping them off one of the times and just cried. It sounds dramatic but I didn't feel like I even had the energy to t...

It may have been apparent to some/all that attempt to read this that i have no idea how to use this gosh darn site. and sometimes I post from my phone sometimes from my laptop (never the ap because it randomly closes on me). Anyway I just realised the colour theme I chose you couldnt always read my posts rather destroys the point of a blog :-D hopefully its fixed now! xx

I've probably said most of this before, but I just wanted to share what I wrote on an asthma forum today :-)  I saw my asthma psychiatrist yesterday. I completely love her (not in the crazy creepy patient falls in love with their dr kind of way just in that she's so lovely and good at her job) .  When I first started going to the respiratory dept at queen Alexandra in Portsmouth and they said I had to see her as a holistic approach to managing my asthma (Now i suspect they actually thought She would establish I wasn't taking my medication but tests and showing of side effects proved I was I just metabolise medication very quickly. Shame I can't metabolise fat in such a way hey) I was like "that will be one apt no way am I the type to sit and spill out my problems plus it's not bad enough that I need help"  How wrong I was. I had high levels of anxiety and I was genuinely grieving the loss of my job and life as I knew it. I worried constantly about...

I start mepolizumab on July 13th. I'm kinda excited, kinda nervous. I really hope this is the first step to getting some of my life back. Or at least to getting the devil that is steroids. I've got a bit over excited and started job hunting to see what's about. Probably a bit premature but I am hopefully that by new year it will be happening or close to happening. Even if it's just starts at a few hours a week and builds up. I don't care. I just need to be reliable and prove I am reliable. Anyway like I said that's getting a head of myself. I'm just grateful I get a chance to try

I hope everyone used their chance to vote. Today's was a tricky one for me. I realised how vulnerable I feel.  I rely on the NHS and I rely on it being free. I receive ESA currently whilst I'm not allowed to work. I rely on student loans to fund me studying for when I am allowed back to work. My children are both in the education system. Yup I am a giant drain on the system (not intentionally I promise) The thought of having to pay for my medical treatment, whilst I see why that might be seen as a good solution to some of the countries problems, leaves my blood run cold. It doesn't take a genius to figure out I'm not exactly rolling in it right now. Will it be that I genuinely might not be able to afford to keep myself alive? Or I will but my husband and I will be in even more debt than we are now. Will our children have to miss out more than they already do so mum can breathe? I've had to avoid picking up my prescriptions for a couple of days before because I ...

So much has happened since my last update.  I had been getting progressively worse breathing wise so on the 11th of may I went to my gps , I knew what they were going to say but you never know I might have been lucky. He didn't even check me over he just rung my local hospital and sent me straight there, however the plus side to this was avoiding a&e and going straight to AAU.  After the general poking and prodding they whisked me into a bay whacked in a cannula and bleeped the respiratory team who came down actually quite fast, and it was decided I was metabolising my tablet medication to quickly so it was ineffective.  I was told only to walk to the toilet no where else (like I had the energy) and I was started on iv steroids and Iv aminophyline. Iv aminophyline is a 24 hour drip so I knew I was in for a couple of days.  I was to tired to be that bothered to be completely honest. I always get sad as i hate leaving the munchkins but I knew I needed to be th...

As the title of this blog suggests; May is mental health awareness month. To be honest you'd have to be blind not to notice. It's everywhere, which is brilliant, for way to long now it's been something that isn't understood and as happens so often when we don't understand things, it's made fun of, not seen as 'real' or brushed under the carpet. So I have to see a psychologist at the moment, she's part of the Portsmouth resp team. Genuinely, and I am ashamed to admit this, when I first got the apt through for it I was like "what the hell! I'm not crazy". I went to that appointment doubtful she would get much out of me worth working with. I had just seen the dietician before that apt and my daughter was playing "how long can I act like a spoilt entitled brat before mum loses her crap". So I was less in the mood to be analysed for no reason than I can even describe. I'm fairly British sometimes and not ever to comfortable...

I'm often asked 'how does it feel to have an asthma attack?'And it's a question I struggle to answer because It can differ greatly. I've had attacks where I feel like my chest is in a vice and it's really feels like my lungs might burst.and the muscles in my chest hurt so bad I want to cry with every breath.  However my chest is silent there is no wheeze. I think these are the scariest ones not only because it really hurts but because if people (including Drs) can't hear the wheeze they can underestimate how badly you are struggling or even claim it's an anxiety attack.. Even I sometimes have thought oh I'm not wheezing maybe it's ok. However I feel bad really quickly with that type and now I'm quite well known in a&e and they know to do a blood gas (where they put a needle down into the artery in the wrist. It feels pretty gross)  to check my co2 levels because sometimes my o2 levels can look ok on the machine and mislead the Drs, but a...

First day of summer term got me like 😞 (the only emoticon i know how to put in there) Firstly because during the Easter holidays First day: boy comes down with Scarlett Fever. we did have a lovely Easter weekend in Wales. My chest felt not to bad (always improves in Wales)  Came home Easter Sunday to go to Chessington on Monday. Daughter pukes and is ill all day Monday. I start to feel rough, by Friday have full blown chest infection, and then all day Sunday the boy pukes and pukes. So most of the holidays sucked, and the boy is home with me today when he had set himself a 100% attendance target for this term so is very sad (though thankfully no longer puking after puking for 18 hours pretty much non stop). and his sister is cross that i have to cancel his 2nd dental apt in a row. (they definitely don't believe me) yet she still has to go. Gave her guilt money for a bacon roll from breakfast club though so she didn't to do to bad out of it. Secondly I loved summer term whe...

Do you ever have days where you think "omg if you weren't my kid I would think you are such a jerk and try to avoid speaking to you?" Hopefully I'm not a complete bitchfacefromhell because that's how a child who shall remain nameless made me feel today. Kid doesn't get I'm on a heck of a a lot of steroids you push me I will either completely ignore you or blow up at you. I usually avoid shouting as much as I can but you can't be perfect all the time. It's days like this that can lead me into a downward spiral in my head, always leading to me blaming myself for why they have been the way they are. I'm probably not perfectly innocent but my negative thought spirals don't really get me anywhere so I'm venting in a post. Parenting babies was so easy compared to parenting kids as they get older. For a start you know they will remember everything. I guess as a parent you never really know if you are doing it right until it's too late. ...

I think one of my most commonly used phrases is " I shouldn't moan because people have it worse" I'm not saying it to be a hero I genuinely do feel bad because it could be worse. I like to count my blessings and I like to be positive. But I was thinking today maybe I'm a bit to liberal with those words. Whilst no one likes to be all doom and gloom by saying that do I make someone else feel like their problems don't matter? Everyone has problems and actually sometimes you can feel bad. Whether it be you hate your work or you can't lose weight or your csr failed it's mot. And you know what? Be sad or pissed off or stressed out if you want to. By no means let it rule your life but spend that time feeling sad then work out how you want to change it.  I feel sad today. I don't even know why probably steroid mood swings but I do. I feel blue and moody and a bit like "what's the point". It's Mother's Day and I have an incredible fa...

So today someone used the word choose. Simple word. usually I see it as a positive word. Being able to choose is what makes life so wonderful.However the word was used in relation to me going to work."should Callie choose to go back to work." Perfectly simple sentence well meaning even, but it absolutely floored me. This is not a choice. I did not choose to give up a career I loved. I did not choose to have to stay home watching bad TV and reading uni books. I did not choose to have to spend days on end staying in my house because I cant walk outside or because of the temperature.It feels terrible. No matter how much you hate your job nothing compares to the feeling of being pointless. I wish to point out I was told not to work by occupational health, my GP and my two consultants. i have also been assessed by the DWP and they have agreed. My work were extremely good when this all started we tried all manner of things so I could get back in the classroom. There are a few re...

Man oh man has it ever. I felt crappy most of the week and the weekend wasn't much better. Monday came and so I thought "right Im going to weigh in and my apts and see how I go" Along to weigh in I wheezed. Lost half a stone in 2 weeks. Yay. Drove to portsmouth. Luckily lee decided to come with (even though I could definitely drive and could see no point in him coming.) Had my apt then got asked if I wanted someone to listen to my chest. Sure I agreed. Long story short I had pnuemonia. Luckily not bad enough to be admitted. However I was warned I was on dodgy ground. So antibiotics all the steroids rest and permission to feel sorry for myself. I also got told off for driving and told Lee definitely needs to drive me home. I rested and rested (genuinely rested not the kind where I say I will but still try and do things) but by the weekend I was still feeling like poop. So I had to miss my sister in law to be's hen do in Brighton :-( they all had a great time and ...

Today I was going to take the kids and my niece to Shrek world (or land whatever the name is) in London. Instead I am in bed. This happens a lot but it doesn't make it any easier. I am lucky I have very understanding family and friends. (or ones that keep their annoyance quiet) My kids are very good about putting it off to another day, however I constantly worry they will grow up resenting me. Plus every time I have to cancel or let them go without me is another memory I am missing out on. I'm a big believer in experiencing whatever you can whenever you can, I often like to try and give memories instead of gifts (so like take them somewhere or do something unusual) so you can imagine how I hate this. Its been a non starter of a week anyway. I missed my weigh in on Monday and my brothers birthday and looking after my nephew because the boy came down with a pretty violent sick bug. miraculously none of us caught it from him but it was pretty gross. I had a dodgy chest all week ...

So the snow mentioned in the previous post did not amount to much more that making the ground feel as though you were walking through a slush puppy. which meant no snow days for the kids, they were most put out. However my chest has been having a fit ever since. Hurting, Crackling and wheezing and it's barely being helped by the nebs.So I went to the Dr to get some antibiotics as that is literally all the GP can do these days I need anymore I have to be admitted to hospital. I don't know how many of you reading have stayed on a resp ward but they are the most unfun of places. Actually hospital wards in general are pretty unhappy places to be. Nothing against the NHS they do a cracking job, but they are difficult to sleep in due to other sick people needing attention in the night (which no one can help) plus many nurses/HCA's  need to wake you at 6am to get through their to do list and if you've only been asleep a couple of hours it can make you literally cry. My heart...